I went to a workshop a couple of years ago that was facilitated by Terry Real, author and therapist who has a particular expertise around working with relational conflict. Real was recalling a moment when he was asked about the prevalence of family dysfunction in our culture. I’ll never forget Real saying that he absolutely believes that we have a high rate of family dysfunction in our culture - and not just because he is immersed in helping people in conflict, but because our society adheres to patriarchal values. He explained that under patriarchal rule, “anything that is deemed ‘the feminine’ is idealized in theory, but devalued in reality - and this very much includes talking openly about our feelings with one another.”
If we can’t talk about our feelings openly with one another, how can we get to a place of repair?
There can be no repair in a relationship without accountability. This is a shared responsibility and is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship. During the workshop, Terry Real discussed how all relationships cycle through moments of connection, disruption, and reconnection. When disruption leads to conflict, repair is necessary in order to restore connection.
How we handle conflict has to do with a number of factors - including what we learned from our families, from our cultures or subcultures, from society at large, and from our lived experiences of mistakes and triumphs in relationships. How we handle conflict can depend largely on how much power we feel we have (or don’t have) in a relationship. If we are oppressed or emboldened. If we are in a position of power, but not aware of our privileges. How much empathy we can access. If we have an awareness of our emotions and can access the underlying needs informed by our feelings. This all matters.
Our capacity for accountability depends largely on our ego strength. As Terry Real discussed further in the workshop - we tend to either go further up into grandiosity or down into shame when we are in a defensive place. It is normal to attempt to protect the ego when in conflict, but we cannot resolve the conflict unless we are in a state of emotional regulation. This includes ability to tolerate discomfort when hearing about someone else’s feelings that we have hurt. It also involves demonstrating the ability to accept feedback while resisting the urge to fall into a state of shame. Additionally, we are not being accountable to our own selves when we refrain from talking about our internal experiences with one another. It is not just important to talk about those feelings, but it also matters how we deliver and express our emotions.
There’s a good chance you weren’t taught any of these skills in your family. There’s a good chance that you weren’t taught about it in other groups you’ve been a part of since you were young. Many of us are still developing and healing from what we didn’t get or got too much of in childhood. I believe this is a life-long process that is worth it to explore because doing so adds richness to all of our relationships - including the very important relationship we have with ourselves.
Something crucial to pay attention to (for oneself and others) is whether or not someone is NEVER willing to take any responsibility for wrongdoings. It’s also important to notice if there is someone who is ALWAYS taking the responsibility. While I don’t think it’s necessarily wise to keep score - because even though we’re all imperfect beings, it generally becomes destructive and builds resentment if we hold grudges and resentment by keeping score - it is, however, important that there is some sense of balance when it comes to accountability. If there is a situation where someone never assumes responsibility, but instead places all responsibility on the other person, this raises a red flag and can be a sign of emotional abuse.
How I imagine repair isn’t always the way it turns out - of course. There are some relationships in which it is far easier to practice this than others. In my own life, I find more ease in holding accountability in a healthy manner with clients, friends, and with my child. Close romantic partnerships can more easily bring up defense mechanisms for me. The awareness of how I’m feeling and the reminder that I do not need to protect my ego so fiercely has made it so that I am able to catch the defensiveness and lean in to the repair without either taking on too much responsibility or not enough.
How I handle conflict - on both the side of being hurt and on the side of hurting someone else - means more & more to me in all of my relationships. It means something to me because I think that relationships are the most important connections we have in life. They keep us going and they feel fragile if we don’t know how to handle conflict. Since coming to understand the value of accountability and repair, I no longer tolerate relationships that lack these qualities. I value integrity, empathy, and vulnerability so much that it would feel like a betrayal to myself if I were to remain in a relationship where these values are not respected. This may sound like it’s coming from a place of empowerment (because it is), but remaining firm with these boundaries has not been easy nor has it prevented me from feeling pain. I can say with certainty that since I have actively engaged in getting clear about my values and understanding the components of healthy relationships, I am drawing in more people in my life who are able share times of grief as well as times of joy - qualities I consider as clear markers for a meaningful relationship and create a sense of mutual emotional safety.
For those of you who have been hurt by someone who refuses to demonstrate accountability and repair, may the following words from my favorite self-help book bring you comfort:
“No individual will feel accountable and genuinely remorseful - no matter how well you communicate - if doing so threatens to define him or her in an intolerable way. The other person’s willingness to own up to harmful deeds has nothing to do with how much she or he does or doesn’t love you. Rather, the capacity to take responsibility, feel empathy and remorse, and offer a meaningful apology rests on how much self-love and self-respect that person has available. We don’t have the power to bestow these traits on anyone but ourselves. “ (Harriet Lerner, “Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts”)
To learn more about the work of Terry Real, check out his webpage here.
This post concludes the blog series I started at the beginning of the year on the subject of healthy relationships. I’m currently working hard on writing a book (about sex!) and therefore will be taking a break from posting blogs for a while. Thanks for reading!
